Sunday, 25 October 2009

If only.

"If only. Those must be the two saddest words in the world." -Mercedes Lackey
...which is a very much agreeable quote right now*.

The other day, I wrote something on here, which, on second thought (and some second opinion) was just not quite right. I managed to annoy/anger(?!) her a lot the other night, and this did me no favours. It was a sorta... back to Square 1 sorta thing. Changes? No changes there... I let temptation (um.. selfishness I suppose) get to me, and somehow expect a more than what I've been given, which isn't right when you think about it - since things are done, and done for a reason.

I have some bad habits I need to break, and this includes something that resembles a 'sweet-talk' habit which I seem to have engrained into myself - it works a little like this: "oh maybe I should do that, there's no harm in it" even if there's a gut feeling telling me doing it is not quite right. And then if it's wrong, being apologetic is of little use, since it's like the 'boy cried wolf' analogy... that stuff gets old and means little by then. I just have an inbuilt assumption that doing anything is 'alright', but it's not and I really think that should end here.

So what have I learnt (at the cost of annoying others). To quit. To quit and realise where you'd standing is where you stand. (I've just been fortunate things are the way they are, so far. I shouldn't take this for granted.. which I have... unfortunately.)

I've used up my 'lives' now in a way and I paid the price. I totally regret what I did the other night. I properly ruined a [recovering] friendship which was still alright for a bit of selfishness by expecting too much. As made clear to me, friendship isn't a right. And to be fair, it was my fault. Last nights flatwarming didn't seem too bad though, after a drink. I'm happy that some people were nice to me.

If you're reading this, an apology would mean little, but you should know I'm trying to put this whole matter to rest and bury it. And give you that space that I said I would (not just in person, but online too). That's important, for you. This post is my way of dealing with things and overcoming [some of] my flaws, by recognising them, as a start.

*Despite being 'agreeable', having regret, sure, a bit of grievance is expected, but is no good in the long term. A bit of a Google, and this is a better quote to go by and work on, form now on:
“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -Fulton Oursler

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